what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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