yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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