no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
