I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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