I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize