My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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