I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
