Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
