So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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