I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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