PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
