Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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