We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
