Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
