Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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