The maid of honor just puked.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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