She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
