sarcasm needs its own font
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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