did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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