Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
