I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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