I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
