if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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