i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
