discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
