big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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