no, he came in my armpit
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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