my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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