so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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