Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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