R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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