seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
