Can Purell be used as lube?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
