i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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