you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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