I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
