I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
