Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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