Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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