theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
