Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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