i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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