Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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