a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
