I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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