I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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