I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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