So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
