I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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