:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
