I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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