I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
