Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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