I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
