Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
