she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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