My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize